Oh Dear
by moodiful819
Summary: “No way! No freaking way is Uchiha Sasuke a virgin!” Faced with this startling fact, Karin decides to find a new boy toy, which spells disaster for our blonde hero. NaruKarin.


Oh god, I haven't written anything in months. What have I been doing these few days since I was released from school/prison on parole? I have bemoaning the loss of my writing ability. You read that correctly: AP English has killed my creative writing ability! And I've been trying to resuscitate it with little oneshots. Hopefully, this works out.

And yes, this is NaruKarin. It's one of my favorite crack pairings (I blame Queen Pina's work). Even if you don't like it, do you really think I care about your rant that it's not canon?

* * *

"Yes!" a high-pitched feminine voice cackled as she held the small glass vial in her hand to the light. A pink liquid sloshed inside its glass walls as its owner spun around before clasping the vial against her chest.

"Finally, Sasuke-kun will be mine!" Karin cried delightedly. In her hands was the answer to all her problems. What was it, you ask? Why none other than an aphrodisiac. _'Guaranteed to have any man horny within seconds of ingestion. With this, Sasuke will be mine. And then…'_

Her lids fell, mind already lost in fantasy with her mouth torn between an evil grin and a girlish swoon when a knock fell on her door.

"Oi, Karin! Are you done yet?"

"Shut up, Suigetsu! I'm coming, okay?!" she shouted.

"Whatever," he said through the door. "Someone's on her period," he muttered, only for a shoe to connect with the back of his head.

"I heard that!"

Suigetsu merely snorted, rolled his eyes, and stalked down the halls of the old Uchiha compound. _'Weirdo.'_

* * *

Liquor sloshed messily on the floor as Karin looked around the room. There had been a party, one of the many they had now that their job was done (because honestly, what else could they do now with Itachi being dead since the whole point of this group was to help Sasuke kill Itachi?). Sure, their livers were probably as hard as concrete, but that still didn't stop Suigetsu and Juugo from getting hammered, or Sasuke from allowing it (or joining).

The lantern in the middle of the room flickered, its light rippling over the empty bottles and crushed cans. Even in the dim light, she could still make out Sasuke's form. Not even the shadows could rob her of his straight nose, the strong jaw of an aristocrat, or the body even a Greek god would envy.

'_And it's gonna be all mine in a few seconds.'_

Rising unsteadily onto her feet, she half-sauntered, half-stumbled to his seat away from the two slumbering members of their team. Plopping ungracefully by his side, she watched his face, his dark eyes gazing away at the wall. She could only imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of those eyes, how his smoldering gaze would light her skin on fire as a prelude to the lust underneath. A shiver raced up her spine and she lightly slapped her face. She was getting ahead of herself.

Reaching into the sleeve of her purple shirt, she opened the vial and let a few drops fall into his drink, watching as the pink liquid disappeared in the clear sake. Glancing up, she saw Sasuke looking at her questioningly. If he noticed what she did, he didn't question it and lifted the dish to his alcohol-flushed face, unaware of the baited-breath of his companion as she watched him swallow.

Karin watched as he swallowed the lump in his throat. The aphrodisiac should be affecting his system by now, she thought.

"Sasuke-kun?" she questioned shyly.

And he turned to her, face flushed bright red as his smoldering eyes locked with her. His breaths came out in short pants and a sheen of sweat coated his skin. Tingles raced up her spine as the air filled with his arousal and shifting her body, she tentatively covered his lips with her own, delighted when he responded.

'_It worked!'_ she squealed to herself in the recesses in her mind as Sasuke began to kiss and lick her mouth like she always dreamed of. She still couldn't believe it. Uchiha Sasuke, sex-incarnate and knowledgeable god of all things pleasurable, was KISSING HER! Sure, it was a bit sloppy, but who cares? It was probably the alcohol anyway.

Hesitantly—and she meant it really, because _god,_ that was incredible and hot and sexy and…ahem—Karin pulled away, panting heavily as she watched Sasuke slowly lift his lids. If she hadn't wanted to rape him before, this sealed the deal.

"Sasuke-kun, I want more. Take off my shirt," she said guiding his hands to her shirt. His fingers left burning trails on her skin and a low moan escaped her as he fumbled with the zipper on her shirt and she waited with baited breath.

And waited.

_**And waited.**_

'_Anytime now.' _

Cracking open her eye, she couldn't believe it. Sasuke still hadn't taken off her shirt!

'_Okay, this is probably the alcohol. I mean, alcohol does that right? Slows down cognitive responses and dulls reaction time, so it could probably make it hard to undo a shirt.'_

Even if it has been a full five minutes, a traitorous part of her mind rang out.

'_Shut up!'_ Karin screamed. It was probably nothing. I mean, people who really want sex have trouble containing themselves. That was probably it. He probably wanted sex so badly, he couldn't get himself to focus.

But he was still on the zipper of her shirt. For God's sake, it was a fucking zipper! Even a two year old could have gotten her undressed by now and what was with that look on his face? Was that…_confusion?_ No, it couldn't be because Uchiha Sasuke was never confused and he could NEVER be confused about sex…right? Right.

But he was still messing around with her shirt and he hadn't kissed her or touched her at all. She was leading him in everything. Acting coy was cute and all, but it was like she was leading a virgin. That'd be funny; Sasuke being a virgin—not funny-weird, but funny-ha-ha—because Sasuke couldn't be a virgin. Sasuke was a freaking sex god. He could probably give a woman fifty orgasms with just one look and no one that good-looking could still be a virgin, so it was impossible that Sasuke was still a...

'_Theshirt!Theshirt!Theshirt!'_

"Oh god…" Karin said, mouth gaping like a fish as Sasuke continued to fumble with her shirt. It was true. Sasuke—the Uchiha Sasuke—was a virgin! Sure, it was partially her fault—she should've realized someone that perfect would be lacking somewhere and honestly, with his fixation with his brother and growing stronger, he would've had to sacrifice something in his schedule to fit in all that training—but still! Sasuke, _a virgin?!_

"I can't believe this," she whispered to herself. By now, Sasuke had abandoned Karin's shirt and was curled up fast asleep, muttering archaic things like cherry blossoms in tomato swimsuits while she sat alone, feeling stone-cold sober as she stared at the remnants of her shattered 'Sasuke-is-a-sex-machine' image. She felt like laughing at herself. She almost slept with a virgin. She almost felt bad for trying to rape him all these years (Almost. He was still hot, after all).

'_So what now?'_ asked that pestering corner of her mind. She frowned at its nagging, but 'what now' was right. The whole reason she stayed was for an opportunity to rape her sex god, but not only was her opportunity gone; her sex-god wasn't a sex-god.

'_Well, I guess I could look for someone else,'_ she thought optimistically. It wasn't completely unheard of to do that and now that her dreams of orgasmic heaven with Sasuke were dashed, there was no reason to stay in the compound. It'd been a while since she'd traveled on her own, anyway. It'd be good to have some alone time, even if it was just until she found someone else.

And with that, she stepped over the sleeping Uchiha, went to her room, and started packing.

* * *

Whistles echoed the woods as a lone figure bathed in the running river. Reaching down, he cupped the water in his hands and splashed it over himself.

"Man, that's cold! I shouldn't complain though since Kakashi-sensei is letting us have a break for the first time since the mission started," Naruto said with a grin. It was an easy mission. Do some reconnaissance of a base at the Sand-Fire border and come back. Sure, they were being tailed at the beginning of the mission, but they had gotten rid of those guys fairly easily and even when the base attacked them, they were no match for Team 7.

'_Sakura-chan sure is scary when she's mad though,'_ Naruto thought as he remembered what happened to the guy who unfortunately decided grabbing Sakura's chest was a good idea. _'We could barely recognize him by the time the fight was over.'_

"Stupid bushes! Gah! Should've just gone into the trees when the sun came out."

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, watching as a red blotch appeared in the bushes. Suddenly a girl fell out…a girl with red hair and glasses.

'_That is __**not**__ Sakura-chan.'_

"Are you alright?" he asked from the river.

The girl rubbed her head and glanced up. "Yeah," she replied wincing before staring at the boy before her. And staring. And staring. And staring...

And that's when Naruto realized that he was still naked. "Gah!"

Watching the blonde boy run around trying to find something to cover himself, Karin grinned. She couldn't believe her luck!

'_He's cute,'_ the seventeen-yr-old thought to herself. Well-endowed too, that tiny corner in her mind quipped. Not to mention his chakra supply was enormous (what could she say? She liked guys with large chakra supplies. So sue her).

"I'm so sorry!" he apologized, hiding behind one of the many rocks in the river, "it's just—you caught me right in the middle of my bath. Oh man, Sakura-chan's gonna kill me when she finds out! I'm so—"

"You're cute!" the red-head gushed, a smile on her face, "what's your name, hot stuff?"

At her words, Naruto's brain functions screeched to a halt. He should've been wondering where his clothes were or who this girl was or how the heck he was going to defend himself with nothing but a bar of soap in case someone attacked him, but all he could think of was, _'She thinks I'm cute?'_

* * *

When Sasuke work up that morning, he knew something was wrong. First of all, he wasn't in his room. Even when drunk off his ass, he always went to his room to sleep it off. Why did he insist on passing out in his room? Because it was the only place he could be safe from Karin while he slept, what with the stupefying amount of traps, trip-wires, and exploding tags he set up to keep her out. That girl was more trouble than she was worth. Not even Sakura had been as bad as Karin. At least, she didn't try to rape him in his sleep (or at least, he hoped she didn't. He'd have liked to been awake if that happened).

So when Sasuke woke up in the sitting room of their base, his clothes crumpled awkwardly with the sickening scent of perfume on his skin, his first thoughts flew to what happened last night. He remembered drinking, watching Juugo and Suigetsu try to play Twister while taking shots of assorted liquors with whatever color the dial landed on, watching Juugo and Suigetsu pass out, seeing Karin staring at him, and then…and then…

"Shit! Suigetsu! Oi!"

"Ouch!" Suigetsu moaned, "You don't have to slap me. I'm awake. Geez. Augh, my head's killin' me."

"Don't care. What happened last night?" Sasuke asked urgently, hands fisted in the swordsman's shirt. Suigetsu groaned.

"I don't know. Something, I guess, if you're so worried about it. Hey, Juugo. Wake up."

"Hnnn?" asked the slowly-waking man.

"Did you see something happen last night?"

"Mmmm…no…" Juugo asked, stifling a yawn before watching Sasuke become ashen-white. "Sasuke-sama, are you okay?"

But Sasuke was already moving away, slowly wobbling towards the mound of pillows he woke up on. Nothing happened, but something happened, otherwise he wouldn't be in the sitting room reeking of Karin's perfume, unless…

"Unless…"

"Sasuke?" the two queried.

"_KARIN!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

* * *

"You look familiar," Karin stated as she watched the boy's head bob from behind a rock. He was getting dressed.

'_Shame, he had a really nice ass.'_

But she'd seen that boy before and not just his butt. He looked familiar to her and his chakra signature felt familiar too. It wasn't Itachi's (he'd been dead for years), but it was someone connected to Sasuke; otherwise she wouldn't have remembered it. But whose was it?

"Oh, you might have seen me when I was on one of my missions. Soon I'll be the one giving out those missions. It's my dream to be the Hokage of my village, so you better remember the name Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!" he shouted triumphantly.

"So your name's Naruto?" she asked. _'He was named after a fishcake? Seriously?'_

But still, the name had a certain exotic charm to it.

"Yup. So what's your name?" he asked, popping his head from behind the rock with a grin.

"Karin."

"Karin…Hm, well I gotta get back to camp. My team must be getting worried and—"

"Do you know how to kiss?"

Naruto couldn't believe his ears. He had to have heard wrong, right? "Excuse me?"

"Do you think you're a good kisser?" Karin asked, eyes firmly locked on his.

"Um…I guess?"

"And you'd know how to take off my shirt, even if you were drunk?"

"Uh…sure?" he answered, not exactly trusting that gleam in her eyes. "Um…I should be getting back to my camp and—"

"One more question," she said, suddenly hanging down from the tree before him. How did she move without him knowing? Oh wait, she was a ninja too.

"What do you think about the Icha Icha series?" she asked. Her tone was serious. It seemed like she was testing him, but for what, he didn't know.

"The series is all right, I guess. A bit boring in my opinion. What Kakashi-sensei sees in Ero-sennin's writing, I'll never understand," he said shaking his head to himself.

Meanwhile, Karin felt her heart soaring. He'd answered every question correctly and he even thought Icha Icha was boring. Icha Icha, _boring!_

'_Hello sex buddy!'_

"Anyway, I gotta get back to camp. Sensei and Sakura must be worried by now and—"

And there were lips on him. That's never happened before. Was she kissing him?

Cracking open his eye, he saw blurs of red. She was definitely kissing him. The girl he had met just a few minutes ago and thought he was hot, was kissing him! And…and…where was that hand going?

* * *

Leaves crunched underfoot as Sakura trudged through the bushes. "Hey Sai?"

"Yeah, ugly?"

"Have you seen Naruto anywhere? He's been gone for two hours."

"If you mean dickless, he said something earlier about bathing in the river," the Anbu member said as he painted the leaf on the flower he was drawing.

"Do you think he drowned?" Sakura asked contemplatively.

Sai blinked. "That river is pretty shallow. I doubt even an idiot like him could do that."

"Oh, you'd be surprised, Sai," Kakashi said dropping from the tree he was resting in. "Come on; let's go fish him out of the river."

Forcing Sai up, the trio walked through the bushes to the river. "There he is!" Sakura exclaimed. "Hey Nar—is he getting laid?"

"Isn't that the girl tailing around emo-bastard?" Sai asked.

"Sakura-chan, it's not what you think! This girl came out of the bushes and starting kissing me. You gotta help me!" Naruto pleaded, desperately trying to get away.

To say he looked horrible was an understatement. His clothes were torn and on every inch of bare skin, there was either a hickey or scratch marks. The girl didn't seem to notice their new company and set herself to happily straddle his backside. "Don't be like that, lover boy! On second thought, go ahead. It turns me on," she purred. Just then, a rustle was heard in the bushes on their side of the river.

"Karin!"

"Sasuke!" she gasped.

"Sasuke?"

"Teme?"

"Emo-bastard?"

Sasuke ignored them and stormed over to Karin's side. Suigetsu shook his head. "You had all of last night and this morning to escape and you only got here?" he deadpanned.

"Shut up! It was dark and my glasses kept falling!" she shouted defensively. Her mouth opened to launch another verbal assault when she felt her shirt grabbed and she was face to face with the Uchiha heir.

"I don't care if you yell at Suigetsu. I don't care if you run away. Just tell me if anything happened between you and me last night," he hissed.

Karin pushed him away in disgust. "Yeah right. I mean, I drugged your drink and tried to get you to sleep with me, but who knew you were a virgin?!"

"Sasuke, you're a…_virgin?_" Suigetsu asked, snickering.

"That explains everything," Kakashi deadpanned.

"So nothing happened?" Sasuke asked, landing on the opposite bank.

"Are you kidding? You were so pathetic that I got turned off and left!" Karin screeched.

"Oh thank god," Sasuke said, sighing in relief.

"Sasuke-kun, you're a virgin?" Sakura asked walking over to him.

"Yeah. Go ahead, laugh. I know you want to," he muttered, trying to ignore the howling laughter around him. Even Sai was busting a gut at his expense.

"Actually…I think it's kind of cute. And it couldn't have been as bad as me. My first time was with Lee."

"Really?" Sasuke asked, "How bad was it?"

"_Bad."_

"Aa."

"But why did you need to find Karin so badly?" Sakura asked, curious.

"I need her to go find my brother so I can finally avenge my family."

"Isn't he already dead?"

"Oh right. Man, I've been saying it for so long, it's become a habit."

"So what are you going to do now?" she asked. Sasuke thought long and hard.

"You know, I have no idea."

"You know, you could always come back," she suggested.

"I can do that?" he asked incredulously.

"Sure. I mean, you'll probably undergo some torture testing and not be allowed to leave the village for a few years after you leave, but…yeah."

Suigetsu and Juugo looked up. "Can we come too?" they asked.

Sakura smiled. "Sure. The more, the merrier."

"Alright!" shouted Suigetsu.

Kakashi smiled. "Now that this is over, why don't we pack up camp and head back home? You guys can help."

"Alright," Juugo murmured softly.

Nodding, Kakashi led the group back to the campsite. Quickly dismantling the tents and snuffing out the fire, they headed for the trees. When they were almost home, Sasuke noticed Sakura slowing down and fell back to move beside her.

"Something wrong, Sakura?"

Sakura looked up, her brows creased in thought. "It might be nothing, but I can't shake the feeling that we forgot something…"

* * *

"Guys?" Naruto shouted. He couldn't believe his luck. He managed to sneak away from Karin after she fell asleep. _'Though my hips will never be the same again.'_

"Hello! Sakura? Teme? Sai? You forgot someone here! …_I need clothes!_"

A twig snapped and Naruto turned around, his heart leaping up with joy. Could it be that they came back for him? If they did, he'd take back everything mean he'd ever said about them. He'd even admit to Sakura that it was him that stole her lace panties and not Neji. Hell, he'd even kiss Sai!

"Guys?!" he asked hopefully, peering into the bushes only to be tackled to the ground.

"There you are! I was looking all over for you!" Karin smiled, her arms already crawling over his waist. Naruto felt his heart sink.

"Guys?! Guys?!"

"Keep screaming, baby. It turns me on," she said breathless as she crawled over his bound body. When had she tied him up? "And after we do the reverse-cowgirl position, I was thinking of maybe doing some S and M with some role-play, and after that is…"

And as Karin continued listing things that would make even a whore or a porn star blush, Naruto could only do one thing. _"HELP!!!!!"_

**And they all lived happily ever after.**


End file.
